An Ode to the Job Search

Please write your name, address, and zip code.

Attach your resume.

Attach a cover letter.

Remember when we said to attach a resume? Please fill out your employment history on this poorly designed page that will inevitably glitch out after spending thirty minutes re-writing what is on your resume.

Take a selfie in front of every former employer while fighting off a pack of rabid dogs.

Please take a plane to an undisclosed location in South America to reclaim an ancient artifact trapped deep in an abandoned cavern.

Entry level job? Sorry, you’re overqualified because you have a master’s degree!

Associate level job? Sorry, you’re underqualified because we don’t count your master’s degree as experience!

By the way, your half-a-dozen internships for major companies don’t count either, because we hate you…. and you smell bad!

By the way, we only posted this job because we legally had to. The position has been filled for weeks! We will keep your resume on file to never be seen again, and we wish you no luck in your future endeavors. Thank you for applying to MegaCorp!


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